


Rap Battles

by cry_ptid



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: BC I SAY SO, Crack, Klaus uses he/they pronouns, Non-Binary Klaus Hargreeves, Wrote this in like ten minutes, absolute crack, diego asks if klaus is high, drug mention kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:06:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28796619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cry_ptid/pseuds/cry_ptid
Summary: Chris vs Five: the rap battle of the century
Comments: 12
Kudos: 29





	Rap Battles

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea and frantically sent it to one of my friends who fueled it and I wrote this.  
> Hope you enjoy this absolute crack adsgdgh

"Take them down." 

Reginald walked out the room, leaving his children (if they could even be called that) to fight amongst themselves, literally. 

"Okay so before we get to the whole killing each other thing," Klaus started as Five wrinkled his brows in confusion, "we should totally have a rap battle." 

Everyone turned to him, a cocktail of emotions visible on all their faces. 

"Klaus are you high?" Diego asked, waving his hand in front of their face.

"No Diego, I was just thinking. Five said he could do anything right? So like, why not have a rap battle? It'll be fun!"

"Wait wait wait," Five put the knife he had been holding back in his belt, "you want me to have a rap battle with one of these imbeciles? Full offense."

"Shouldn't you be playing with dolls or something," Jayme sneered.

Five smiled widely, "I will not hesitate to defenestrate you!" 

Jayme blinked, bewildered by the come back as Alphonso sighed, "Well I agree with the hippie, we should have a rap battle." 

"Nice, number four solidarity!" Klaus held their hand out for a fist bump which Alphonso returned eagerly.

"Okay fine but whoever it is is battling Christopher," Ben 2.0 smirked.

"Well Allison is the show person here it seems only fair that she should do it," Diego said factually.

"Have a rap battle with a telekinetic cube!? Yeah no thanks. No offence to Christopher of course, my rapping skills are just rusty."

Five sighed deeply, grabbing the microphone that was conveniently placed on the stool next to him, "Do I really have to do everything around here?" 

"You can rap?" Vanya asked, bewildered.

"I can do everything Vanya," he said, as Christopher hovered in front of him and started belting out the lyrics to Rap God.

He was good, but Five was better.

Once he finished and all his siblings let out an "OHHHHH," Five put his sunglasses on and took centre stage.

"Kill the lights." 

Luther punched his hand through the wall, breaking the lights but successfully turning them off.

Five cleared his throat, taking a remote out of his pocket so that the room was bathed in red light and the backing track to Fergalicious started playing.

Everyone exchanged looks, wondering where Five got that remote from and how he even knew the words to Fergalicious, but their gazes were quickly drawn back to him as he started the song, singing it flawlessly (especially the rap part.)

Once the song came to an end, everyone's jaws on the floor, Five cleared his throat. 

"So, can I kill y'all now?" 

**Author's Note:**

> my friend drew art based on the original idea i love them: https://sugar-artistry.tumblr.com/post/640492385776893953/this-shitpost-was-brought-to-you-by-this-ask


End file.
